A commonly asked questions that we hear from friends who don’t have a child with a disability is, “Should we offer to help someone when their disabled child has a need, or will offering help offend the parents?” We generally know how we would answer that question, but this is an individual decision. We would love to hear some feedback on this, as we think this topic might provide for an interesting conversation!
Because Mary is non-verbal, she often tries to communicate her wishes and desires through her behavior, more specifically mis-behavior. Mary’s strategy of choice used to be that she would “flop” down somewhere and refuse to get up or move. Now it didn’t matter if it was in a Walmart parking lot, soccer field, aisle of a grocery store or church. If she didn’t want to do something, she would flop down. And once she flopped, it was hard to get her up. We often thought that if she had been born in the 60’s, we might have hired her out at “Sit in” demonstrations. She really was quite adept at it! As she got older, when I (Laurie) was out alone with her, the flopping presented a problem, not just physically, but emotionally as people would stare.
Although the stares are never easy, we realized that sometimes people stare because they are looking for signs from us as to what to do. Sometimes people are judging us and our parenting, but we like to think that generally people want to be helpful, but don’t know how. When the two of us are together with Mary, we seem to do OK with her outbursts and flopping, but when I (Laurie) was alone with Mary, or when her siblings were too young and couldn’t help, I truly welcomed someone offering to help. I could always graciously decline the assistance, but I was always thankful when someone offered help. I’ve tried very hard not to read anything into someone’s offer to help, like “they probably think I’m a bad parent”, or “they think I’m lazy and don’t discipline my children correctly” or whatever else you assume they might be thinking. But the reality was that Mary often presented situations that I couldn’t handle alone … or at least couldn’t handle well alone. There have even been times when I have asked someone, a stranger, to help me with Mary. And more often than not, people have been willing to help out. It was humbling at times, but there is also something freeing about not trying to portray a “super mom” image. So, if you are a bystander wondering whether to offer help … OFFER. If you are a parent in need of some help … ASK. It might also provide you with a chance to see people at their best as they are willing to pitch in.
As we mentioned earlier, we’d love to hear from you on this one, as I’m sure as a parent of a special needs child you have been asked this question many times.
