Everywhere you look there is evidence that the Fall Sports season is soon upon us. High school students are waking up early for practice.  Parents are at the sporting goods store buying shin guards and shoulder pads and coaches of every level are giving interviews extolling the merits of TEAMWORK! “Teamwork” is essential to the success of any athletic team, but it is equally important to our marriages.  Sometimes in our marriages, it feels like we are working against each other; therefore, we believe that it is essential that you purpose to recognize that you are both on the same team. You may play different roles in your marriage, just like a player on offense plays a different role than a defensive player. But you are on the same team, working towards the same ultimate goal for your child and your family. This may sound very obvious, but sometimes we (Brian and Laurie) had to step back in the middle of an argument and remind ourselves that we were on the same team.  You may indeed be in a battle, but the fight isn’t and shouldn’t be with each other.

In addition to seeing yourself as being on the same team, be aware of the tendency to blame your spouse for the added stress in your marriage.  Raising Mary did put an additional strain on our marriage. (see our blog Tell Me Something I Don’t Know)  Most of us are programmed to think of difficulties as having an end point.  For example, you are in a cast for 6 weeks, or pregnant for 9 months or you have a 2-month recovery after surgery.  The permanency of having a child with a permanent disability can be overwhelming. The result can be feelings of frustration and anger. We knew that we couldn’t (or shouldn’t) be angry with Mary — certainly, the stress created by her disability wasn’t her fault. But we had all these emotions that needed to go somewhere and guess what? We started to blame each other.  We blamed each other for things that weren’t our respective faults. While we admit that often a spouse may need to make some changes, too often we transfer the anger we have with the disability on to our spouse.

Here are three questions we had to ask ourselves:

  • Do my spouse and I feel like we are on the same team or on opposite sides?
  • Do we share the same goals for our marriage and our family?
  • Have I blamed my spouse for something when my anger was with the disability?

We would love to hear from you using the comment feature of our blog for all to benefit from your thoughts and questions.

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