Recently, we went out to dinner with a group of people we were just getting to know.  The group was an eclectic mix, for sure; a businessman, educator, person in the medical field, someone from retail, a counselor (Laurie) and a software entrepreneur (Brian).  It was interesting to us that we were able to land on a topic that seemed to be crucial in each one of these diverse areas. The conversation centered on how “listening” was vital in any relationship (business or personal) and how we, as a society, have kind of lost the ability to listen well. The ability to listen well is indeed important and probably nowhere more important than in our marriages.

So, what does it mean to listen well? A lot of people (much more knowledgeable than us on the subject) have written books and articles on listen, but we are just going to highlight a few things we’ve observed through the years.

  1. Listen to understand, not to reply. Listening is not just remaining silent or formulating an answer in our head while someone else is speaking.  Listening involves trying to understand the other person’s opinion, perspective, or reason for action or belief.
  2. Active listening involves all of our senses.  It is not always just the words one says that needs to be acknowledged, but the non-verbals as well. Tone of voice, clenched teeth, red, puffy eyes from crying are indicators you should pay attention to, even if your spouse says that “nothing is wrong”. 
  3. Listening is hard work.  Because the focus is on the person who is speaking and not yourself, it often includes discipline, patience and self-control, which for most people doesn’t come naturally.

Most marriage books and seminars stress the importance of communication. What we say to each other (being honest and respectful, owning your feelings (i.e. I was hurt because… vs. you made me angry) is certainly crucial, but how we listen is also foundational to a strong marriage.

Marriages where there is a child with special needs seem to have to discuss and work through issues more than families where the children are “typically developing”. Every child is unique and issues facing our children are rarely discussed in parenting manuals.  Knowing how to proceed or which decision to make is often determined through discussion (and hopefully prayer).  In a previous blog (“The Venn Diagram that changed our marriage“), we spoke about how differences between spouses can actually be a positive thing in our marriages; but this only works if we are able to listen to what our spouse is saying, thinking, and feeling.

We encourage you to take the time to listen, really listen.  It’s worth the investment!