This past summer, we had the opportunity to speak at several Joni and Friends Camps. This camp was started by the ministry of Joni Eareckson Tada and is for families that are affected by disability. (We encourage you to check out these nationwide camps via this LINK). We shared things that God has taught us and things we wish someone would have told us when we were first married. Every camp has its own unique personality, but certain items always generated a lot of discussion. Perhaps, one of our most controversial principles is # 6, “Be cognizant of the “special” needs of your spouse and your other children” … or another way of saying this is “Your special needs child should not always come first and your child should never take the place of your spouse.”
Parents, especially the mom, can get so consumed with the care of her child that she often unintentionally pushes her spouse and other children to the back burner. As moms, our hearts are in the right place. We are just trying to give our child the attention that he or she needs and might not get from anywhere else. But an on-going imbalance isn’t good for anyone. Our child with special needs might have more urgent needs, but we can’t confuse urgent with important. To always put your special needs child first sends the message, albeit inadvertently, to our spouse and other children that they are less important.
We have a friend who has 3 children and pretty much posts every day on Facebook. All of her posts, however, are of her child with a disability. We can’t recall a post with either of her other children. We don’t think this is intentional, but we fear that this can have harmful consequences. There have been times that we had to say no to our other children because of the reality of Mary’s limitations; however, there were also times when the needs of Mary’s siblings took precedence over Mary’s desires or needs.
Finding balance in a family with added stress can be difficult. We certainly get that. We also believe that one of the greatest things we can do for all of our children, is to have a strong relationship with our spouse. Take some time to objectively view where all of your time, concern and devotion is focused. If it is solely focused on your child with special needs, it’s time to set a new course.
We would love to hear from you using the comment feature of our blog for all to benefit from your thoughts and questions. To subscribe to our blog click: Subscribe Now
