When we were first married, a pastor told us to “Try to See our Differences as God’s provision for balance in our marriage.” Honesty, this statement sounded more like wishful thinking or a fantasy statement, than real advice. Perhaps you are responding the same way. We wish we would have tried harder to see how this is true, because after 33 years of marriage, appreciating this fact, more than any other truth, has had a profound impact on our lives.

We can almost hear the reaction to this statement through the internet. You might be saying, “but you don’t understand, we are really different.” Actually, we do understand. You see we couldn’t be any more different!  Brian is of Arab descent and grew up just outside of NYC. Laurie is a PA Dutch Girl from a farming community in Lancaster County, PA. Brian is a Computer Scientist who sees things as black and white, 0/1. Laurie is a counselor, who looks for multiple sides to every situation. We took a personality test when we were first married and out of the 256 possible combinations, we scored dead last! In fact, the pastor who was leading the Bible study told us that if we weren’t already married, he would recommend we not get married. So, if you are questioning that your marriage is in trouble because you are so different from each other, we hope you are encouraged that if God can work a miracle in our marriage, he can do so in yours as well. But, you have to appreciate the differences that your spouse brings to the table.

Let us graphically show you how this works …

Let’s say the two boxes above represent 2 marriages and all of the skills, perspectives, interests, etc. that you each bring to the marriage. The first box shows a marriage where the husband and wife are very similar. Most people believe that a marriage where the husband and wife are very similar is optimal (which might explain why spouses are constantly trying to make their spouse more like themselves!).

The second marriage box has a couple whose similarities don’t intersect as much. Conventional wisdom says, we should try to change this. But we want you to look for a minute at the yellow color in each of the boxes. The yellow represents all that isn’t addressed in your marriage. In the first box there is a great deal of yellow, much that is left unaddressed. In the second box, there is very little that is left unaddressed; not as much “falls through the cracks”. The second couple seems to have most of their bases covered. When we started to value what each other brought to the table, even though it was a different perspective and skill set, we collectively were better able to meet the needs of our family, including the needs of our child with a disability. Something else wonderful happened; each of us was able to say “I no longer feel the pressure to make my spouse see the world exactly like I do.”

We encourage you to value and respect the differences your spouse brings to the marriage. We truly believe that those differences could be God’s provision for you to be a better parent, a better spouse, a better person.